Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas blogging world!  For me Christmas brings up thoughts of religion.  I did not grow up religious at all.  My mom has really over powering opinions about religious fanatics that don't "practice what they preach", so Christmas for us was always about going to my grandma's house on Christmas Eve eating food and opening presents and then Christmas day opening presents to the not so soft background noise of my parent's constant bickering.  The true meaning of Christmas was never known in my house growing up, and I'm still not sure I know it.  But growing up faithless has rendered me a very skeptical, afraid, depressed adult.  I don't think this is a good thing.  I want want what 'THEY' have. Faith.  I want to believe that in the end we don't just die and rot in the ground and our memory gets lost with time.  I want to have the devices that 'THEY' have that lead them through the good and bad times.  The things I am certain of is my family and my love for them but I often fear that if anything TOO bumpy came along in my life I wouldn't have the faith to get me through.  Depending on myself to get me through tough times has proven to be unsuccessful, and relying on someone else just puts too much pressure on them.  Faith in people just disappoints and fails.  Church is intimidating.  I know nothing of what these people go there for but I WANT to know. Is that enough?  I want my kids to know, I want them to have the tools in their lives to be able to deal without having to rely on a pill to solve the problem.  Life is tough, and I don't want them to be scared of it like me.  Life should be fun, especially as a child.  Mostly from religion I would want to learn how to forgive myself, for everything I have done in the past.  That's my hardest obstacle to date.  So here's to hoping 2011 brings me closer to GOD!